


Existence

by sansytheskeleton



Series: Self-Indulgent Trashy Angst [3]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Talking, Tears, additional warnings in the notes, and sans helps you feel better, basically you and sans just talk, discussion about death and existence, reader's gender isn't specified, so anyone can read this!, somewhat suicidal thoughts but not really, you're sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 06:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12811608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansytheskeleton/pseuds/sansytheskeleton
Summary: ex·ist·enceiɡˈzistənsnounthe fact or state of living or having objective reality.continued survival.synonyms: actuality, being, existing, realitya way of living.OR:“Do you ever think about dying?”“…why? are you okay?”“I’m fine, just… curious.”“curious about whether or not i’ve thought about dying?”“Yeah."“…should i be worried?”“…”





	Existence

**Author's Note:**

> hey! just a few additional warnings: rape, murder, and abuse is mentioned in passing, but that's all it is. it's just hypothetical situations being talked about! but i figured i'd put a warning just in case.
> 
> also, i assume this is already obvious, but there's a lot of talk about death but also why you shouldn't die or stop existing. 
> 
> this was mostly just a vent one-shot, so i'm sorry if sans is out of character at all.
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> [Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGUM2Bo0I8w) that i was listening to while writing this

“Do you ever think about dying?” You suddenly asked aloud, eyes slowly moving to look over at Sans, who was sitting on the couch across from you. 

He raised a brow bone. “…yeah, why? you okay?” He asked, laughing in a way that suggested he didn’t find this funny.

You shrugged and looked away, and then looked down at your lap, fiddling with your broken phone case. “I’m fine,” You told him, and then sighed. “I’m just….” You trailed off and shrugged. “Curious,” You mumbled. 

“…curious?” Sans reiterated. You nodded. “about whether or not i’ve thought about dying?” You nodded again. Sans sighed, and you could hear him shift in his seat as you snapped the case back in place, before continuing to mess it up. “well… yeah, i uh, i have. but… in the past. are you… are you thinking about it? now?” He asked, and you could feel his concerned gaze on you.

You shrugged once again. “I mean…” You paused, sighed. “I think about it. F-…frequently,” You snapped the case. “I dunno. I don’t… I don’t really know what I was expecting out of this conversation topic, sorry, I just…” 

“you were just curious?” He finished for you in a knowing voice. You snorted weakly and shrugged.

“Yeah, that,” You said quietly. You still weren’t looking at him, your hands constantly repeating the same motions as you messed with your phone case. Honestly, you should probably stop before it breaks altogether, but… you had nothing else to fiddle with. 

You heard Sans sigh. You didn’t speak. You didn’t look at him.

“…kid,” He began, and you braced yourself; for what, you weren’t sure. “should i… should i be worried here? ‘cause, uh, you know. thinkin’ ‘bout death isn’t one of the healthiest things,” He said, his voice lilting into a concerned-humor tone again. “so uh… anythin’ you needa tell me?” 

You were silent for a long moment. Snap. Fiddle. Snap. Fiddle. Fiddle. Snap. Snap. Your grip tightened on the edge of the phone case. You sighed. “It’s not that I… _want_ to die,” You began quietly. “So… you don’t have to be worried, heh, I just…” You paused, and then sighed again, eyebrows furrowing slightly. Fiddle. Snap. “I just… don’t wanna be here?” You said it like a question, then shrugged. “I don’t wanna exist, sometimes,” You told him. The case snapped once again. “I’m… fine, it’s just… you know. With everything going on with my family, and just things in general, it’s… it’s hard, you know? And… and I don’t wanna _kill_ myself, not really, and I don’t really wanna be _dead_ , I just… I just wish I was never born,” You sighed. “I dunno. Sorry. It’s… it’s kinda confusing. It’s… ugh, it’s stupid, I don’t know why I’m suddenly talking about it,” You snapped the phone case a little stronger than before. 

Sans didn’t say anything for awhile, and it caused you to eventually glance up to look at him. He seemed to be in thought. You looked back down at your phone, and went right back to fiddling with the broken phone case. Your shoulders slumped. You were about to apologize again when he finally spoke. 

“it’s not stupid,” He began. “i uh… i understand. i’ve felt… similar things to what you just described,” He said, which made you look up at him in slight surprise. Usually people never understood what you were feeling. You watched him skeptically as he continued to speak. “it _is_ confusing. and sucky. and… yeah, the stuff with your family sucks, but man… i dunno. feelings are… tricky. but… you… you matter, and not just in the science way of you being matter,” He said, cracking a smirk, and you smiled sadly, letting out the smallest of laughs. He seemed to take this as an achievement. “i know ya don’t wanna exist, kid, but have ya ever considered that you’re here for a reason?” He asked. You looked down, and snapped your phone case again. You shrugged.

“…Yeah, but…” 

“nah. no buts. you matter ‘cause if you weren’t here, everything would be drastically different. do you realize that? all the good you’ve done, none of it woulda ever happened - do you know how many people you’ve helped? intentionally? unintentionally? ‘cause, kid, it’s a _lot_ ,” He told you seriously. 

You were silent for a moment. “But… what about the bad I’ve done?” You asked quietly. 

He paused, clearly thinking of how to answer. …It didn’t help. “…everyone’s done bad things,” He began. “no one’s perfect, kid… sure, some things are worse than other things, but… have you _really_ done that horrible of things?” He asked, and you paused to think about that. You shrugged. “exactly,” He began before you could speak. “if you can’t immediately think of something horrible, like, i dunno, rape, murder… abuse… anything that was intentional and really fuckin’ hurt someone, then, well…” He sighed. “then all of the other bad things don’t compare to the good you’ve done. and… jeez, even the rapists and the murderers can have changes of heart. doesn’t make what they did forgotten, it doesn’t change a damn thing about the hurt they caused, but… they can try to be better, try to bring more good to the world,” He sighed. “but anyway. enough of the hypotheticals. you may have done bad things in the past. for whatever reason; be it you needed to, or you were just really, _really_ angry at that one kid one day,” He shrugged.

“everyone’s capable of doin’ some bad shit. everyone has. but _everyone_ is capable of learning from it, and trying to do good in the future. but… no one’ll ever be perfect, kid, so… you can’t beat yourself up for your past mistakes,” He sighed. “you’ve done a lot of good for the world. you’ve made a lot of friends. you can’t just focus on the bad. you humans tend to do that,” He pointed out. “you just focus on the _bad_ things you do. you let it overwhelm you and you can’t see past your mistakes. but you never take a moment to… to just reminisce on the good things you’ve done. when things are bad… like they are with your family right now… you don’t focus on the fact that things have been good, that there’s still a little bit of good even in the bad situation; all you focus on is ‘life used to be so much better, now everything sucks, i should die’. right?” He asked, pausing, and you hesitated before nodding.

“exactly. so, listen, kid… despite any bad stuff you might’ve done, despite all of the bad stuff going on with your family right now… there’s still good in this world, good in you, and good in your family. you don’t deserve to die, you don’t deserve to not exist. you’re pretty cool, for a human,” He said with a slightly joking tone; probably in an attempt to make you feel better. “and you’re gonna get through this. you’ve got people to lean on when things get too hard. you don’t gotta give up,” He told you. “so… yeah. you’ve done a lot of good. there’s still a lot of good in your life, despite the bad. i believe in ya, kid,” He finished.

You were silent for a long moment, processing all that he’d said. You took some slow, deep breaths. You fiddled with your phone case again and again. “…Thanks,” You finally croaked out. “That… that kinda helps,” You said quietly, and then gave him an apologetic look. “I uh… I appreciate it, I just… I wish that I didn’t still feel the way I do,” You sighed. 

Sans gave you a reassuring smile. “kid, just ‘cause i give ya a long emotional rant, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna fix ya. it’s just somethin’ for ya to think about,” He told you. It made you feel a little better to know he didn’t expect you to take it to heart immediately. “it’s okay to still feel pretty crappy. just think about what i said, okay? you’re gonna get through this. you’re gonna be okay, kid,” He told you, and you smiled a little.

“Thanks,” You said sincerely. “It… it really does mean a lot,” You sighed, snapping your phone case. “I’ll… I’ll think about it, I’ll try to take it to heart, I promise… I just currently can’t help but still wish to not exist,” You said honestly.

“i know, kid. it’s okay. i’m here for ya,” He said. You felt tears forming in your eyes, and you tried to hold them back.

“Th-thanks,” Your voice wavered. You laughed brokenly, and wiped at your eyes, closing them tightly and taking a few breaths. “It’s just all s-so hard, y-you know? I just… I w-wish my f-family could… could go back… to how it w-was,” You said, and you were awfully close to breaking down. You could feel your chest constricting as your breathing got more difficult.

“i know, kid… i wish i could tell ya it would,” He said quietly.

You laughed tearfully again, and then coughed, trying to reign in your emotions. “Augh, god, sorry, I-I-“ 

“it’s okay to cry, kid. you lost a lot. i get it.”

Your chest seemed to stutter and you couldn’t help but break down, pulling your knees up onto the chair you were sitting on, hiding your face in your hands as you cried. It was so, so painful. Everything was so painful. Why was it so painful?

You had so much on your mind, so much you wanted to say, but you couldn’t; instead, you explained all of your emotions through your crying and shaking. You rarely got a chance to cry over everything, you were always holding it in… so every now and then, you couldn’t help but break down for a few minutes at a time.

It didn’t take too long before you were forcing yourself to breathe and stop crying. It was embarrassing enough to cry alone, but in front of Sans? You laughed pathetically and forced yourself to drop your legs to the floor, taking a few breaths, wiped away your tears and then opened your eyes, looking at Sans with a weak smile. “Sorry,” You croaked out. 

He shook his head. “it’s okay. do you needa hug?” He asked, and you thought for a moment, but before you could respond, Sans was opening his arms. You smiled and laughed quietly again. 

“Th-thanks…” You said quietly, slowly pushing yourself off of the chair and shoving your phone in your pocket, joining Sans on the couch and accepting the hug. You sighed gratefully.

“no problem, kiddo,” He murmured, holding you tightly. 

 

Despite everything, you still had your friends to lean on.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, thanks for reading. 
> 
> if you're feeling like reader, please reach out to someone and get some help. i love all of you guys, and it really does suck to get to the point in life where you don't care anymore, and you don't even want to exist. i hope this helps even just a little bit; even if it shows you that you aren't alone.
> 
>  
> 
> [Suicide Prevention Hotline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)


End file.
